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Men Are Hunters…

Men Are Hunters…

 Snow-White-Huntsman

So here’s the thing.  After negotiating with your friends, your nail lady, your cousin and your coworkers as to whether or not he’s interested, it all boils down to one fundamental truth:  Men are hunters.

If a guy wants to see you, date you or be with you (hopefully all three), he’s going to make it happen.  A man who wants to advance a relationship doesn’t create obstacles. More importantly, when a man creates obstacles you need to MOVE ONWARD. The signs are easy and quite obvious even if he’s not.

At the end of the day, men (like women) don’t want to deal with the guilt of hurting someone’s feelings when they’ve lost interest.  Instead, they play the distance game in hopes that you’ll “get the hint.”

However, you don’t have to waste time wondering!  I’ve created a short timeline to help my peeps escape the perils of dating limbo.

Week 1:  You meet a guy.  After day 1 he’s calling and texting you a few times a day to make sure he’s keeping himself active in your mind.  This shows that he’s interested in you and wants you to know that he’s thinking about you (awww shucks).

Week 2:  After a few conversations and many smiley faces and wink-wink text messages later, you decide to go on a date with this guy.  The date goes well, you chat, feel out each other’s personality and move on to week 3.

Week 3:  Your daily text messages and phone conversations have been reduced to a couple of weekly check-ins and the content has become less and less substantial.   This is a general show of unimportance (not because you’re unimportant), he’s simply not motivated enough to put the effort in to “it” anymore and that’s perfectly ok, let the process of elimination begin!

Week 4:  You’re reduced to accidentally on purpose texting this guy to let him know that you’re still alive (even though he didn’t ask) and silently stalking his Facebook check-ins.  Please stop yourself here and call your bestest girlfriend who won’t judge your personal style of crazy while she talks you off the cliff.

Knowing when to “hold em” and when to “fold em” is key.  Moving on to better candidates sooner than later only helps you achieve what you want sooner.  Be a hunter too!  If you’re not sure where something is going, ask.  But, also know that if you have to ask…..just saying.  Happy Dating!

Marriage Myths…

Marriage Myths…

 My good friend (and aesthetician) once told me that, in Jewish culture,  some women believe when you take the underwear that a bride wore during her wedding and you wear them for 3 days in a row (without washing them), you will get married in less than a year.     After hearing this myth I asked if this had worked for anyone she knew.  To which she replied, “yes, as a matter of fact, 3 different girls wore my underwear after my wedding last year and 2 of them ended up getting married in less than 1 year.”  One of these ladies happened to be her sister who was married just days before I earned of this Jewish magic trick.   Of course, the inner cynic in me didn’t really believe that this was the key to getting married. But, I figured what the heck, it was worth a yeast infection to find out.  Unfortunately for me, the waiting list for the recent brides underwear was long and her underwear was already taken (aw shucks!).

There’s also the universally practiced tradition of catching a bride’s bouquet.  The bride gathers the single ladies at her wedding into a group for all to see.  As everyone stands around waiting for the bride to toss her floral arrangement over the balcony, the mosh pit of single ladies prepare to dive for the promise of marriage.  The myth surrounding this tradition is that the lucky gal who manages to catch the bouquet will be the next one to get married.  Like the de-feathering of an innocent chicken, the bouquet catching ceremony is not a game. It’s destiny.

There’s also that one myth where a bride shouldn’t see the groom (her husband to be) on the day of her wedding, until the ceremony.  It’s apparently bad luck and it’s supposed to be a surprise.  A surprise? really?  Even though the two of you have lived together for the last 5 years, dated 12 years (on and off) prior to that and have a 17 year old graduating from High School?  Surprise!!! I’m wearing a white dress today!

I’m wondering if some of the myths and traditions around marriage aren’t somehow driving people away from it in this modern age.  Weddings have become huge presentations that are all about the details.  The smaller the wedding is, the more expensive the details seem to get.  If you think about it, the full cycle of marriage really starts with the first date.  From then on it’s a constant debate and overhaul of life goals, dreams, etc.  Finally, the “marriage material” stamp gets applied invisibly to the forehead of your latest prospect and it’s kind of a waiting game from there on out.  At least the Jewish myth gives you a time frame; the bouquet thing is kind of a toss up (no pun intended).

7 Things to Bring While Vacationing With Your Man…

7 Things to Bring While Vacationing With Your Man…

Vacationing with a man is one of the most important things a woman does in a relationship. If you’ve been dating a guy for at least a year and you haven’t taken so much as a scenic day trip together, I suggest you start researching last minute vacations on your favorite travel site immediately. This is critical!  Going out of town with someone lets you see them outside of their comfort zone. You’ll get to see how your beau reacts to public situations (like losing luggage), accommodation debacles and raw socializing. These are all very important factors in evaluating deeper layers of compatibility. Certainly there will be ample amounts of sunset walks but it’s more so a way for you to see if you can simply enjoy yourself while on vacation with this person.
1. First things first, bring your own money.  I don’t mean money for the trip; I mean enough money to secure you an earlier or later trip back home if necessary. If you don’t carry credit cards, make sure you have enough cash on hand to get you through spontaneous situations.
2. Bring every item of beautification necessary. Don’t assume that you’ll be able to buy anything once you get there. If you’re one of those gals that doesn’t require a lot of maintenance, good for you (NOT). However, most of us need a few things before putting our best face forward, try to make every day a Kodak moment day. And, always bring a fresh manicure/pedicure.
3. Do some quick research on the weather. Most highly traveled areas have YouTube footage done by tourists and major venues that will give you an idea of what clothing to take. More importantly, it will give you an idea of what to do with your hair. Humidity poof balls are the worst (defer to my comment about Kodak moments).
4. Have a camera that’s convenient enough to carry with you to your destinations. Camera phones are awesome but they don’t always take the best pictures and you don’t want to miss a perfect sunset because you’re busy setting up the tripod. After all, what are great vacations without great pictures to remember them by?
5. Make sure you have a pair of shoes for every occasion like walking. You’ll pretty much know ahead of time what types of activities and events you’ll be doing. Bring one or two versatile pairs of shoes that can be dressed up or down and can go with most of your outfits. Please don’t bring a pair of shoes for each outfit. You won’t wear them all, I promise!!!
6. Pack clothing that you feel good in. Don’t take yourself consciousness on vacation with you. Bring versatile pieces that can easily transition from day to night or from pool to bar but most of all, BE HAPPY with how you look.
7. And finally, the most important item on the list: A fantastic attitude. Don’t be the girl that complains about every little detail of a trip that doesn’t go as planned. Have a fantastic time regardless of what is thrown your way.
Embrace the beauty of the adventure and be open to trying new things. Regardless of how many American Express mileage points you have, fantastic vacations with your honey can’t be bought. Fantastic vacations are the result of two people committed to the idea of enjoying themselves together. So, leave work at work, put your text conversations to bed and focus building great memories.

The Community Boyfriend

The Community Boyfriend

            When you’re in a relationship with someone it’s commonly understood that the person you’ve been dating will have friends who have been in their life much longer than you have.  Whether you’ve been dating six months or six years, there are people who have depended on your significant other for friendship and have established meaningful, platonic relationships with him throughout the years.  Simply put, you will always be sharing your special someone with friends, family and possibly ex- girlfriends.  These external relationships can be a healthy time-share that enables everyone to maintain a sense of individuality while you build a strong couple identity.  For many women, a man with a healthy amount of friendships is a sign of a balanced life.  That said, regardless of how much you admire your man’s generosity, nobody wants to date the community boyfriend.

Certain friendships can feel invasive and challenging, thus, upsetting the natural dynamic of your relationship.  Usually these types of friendships are consistent and you can determine whether or not you find it disrespectful early on in the dating phase.  On occasion there are situations that arise mid-relationship that can truly test your trust, leaving you to wonder how much of a priority your comfort level is to your significant other.  For example, let’s say that you’ve been dating someone and out of the blue one of his friends (of the opposite sex) needs a place to stay while they get their living situation together.  The first thing you should ask yourself is how normal this situation feels to you and whether or not you feel threatened by another woman in your personal space.  Make no mistake; even though it’s not your place, where your man lives is still an extension of your personal space.  Why? Because it’s still a space of where you probably share a lot of time and intimacy together.

Of course, you never want to seem as though you’d want someone to be homeless at the cost of your personal insecurities.  If that’s the case then you probably have your own segment of soul searching to do.  What really matters is the amount of thoughtfulness your boyfriend exhibits to this person’s situation compared to the situation that he is simultaneously putting you in.  If you know the woman well and never had suspicions about her before, it’s probably safe to assume that your boyfriend doesn’t think you’ll mind.  In that same spirit, you probably wouldn’t mind but why guess?

One thing that women know better than anything else in the entire universe is how to gauge another woman’s intentions.   It seems like the first thing that develops in the womb is a woman’s intuition.  The way she rubs his shoulder, the way she eats in front of him and the way she appears to be all too concerned with your happiness are only a few of the ways in which to gauge another woman’s intentions toward your beau.  If she’s always strategically dressed in such a way that she can easily show enough skin to appear sexy but not too much so that you don’t raise an eyebrow, it’s probably worth raising an eyebrow.  If she’s always calling your boyfriend about her relationship drama but you never see her with a man, it might be worth raising an eyebrow.

Women are subtle, crafty creatures who can justify anything (and I mean anything) in the name of love.  We compare our situations to everyone else’s and we read between the lines at all times while pretending not to calculate.  Sometimes, we even justify finding solace in the possibility of  a relationship with men who are unavailable.  This is why most women are so good at spotting other woman who are out for their man.     All of these things aside, do we really need to see the pink elephant in the room to know that it exists?  Wouldn’t you be able to smell an elephant if it were in the room before entering?  Isn’t it safe to assume that you might see the signs of an elephant moving into your personal space?

The hardest thing about trusting someone is that you have to do it 100%.  There’s no middle ground for trust.  That small fraction of doubt opens up the possibility that perhaps you are blindly investing your time.  This is why boundaries are so important to clarify early on.  They help us define the where we might go too far in our relationship.

Friend OR Boyfriend? Apply the Golden Rule…

Friend OR Boyfriend?

Apply the Golden Rule…

Are you dating someone that isn’t exactly your boyfriend but definitely falls well outside of the “friend zone”?  Is there a “special guy” in your life or someone that you’re “dealing with”?  If so, is the special guy you’re dealing with your man or just your man-friend?  So often in my dating life people constantly ask me to define my relationships.  Am I dealing with the guy I met in DC? What ever happened with that hot guy who had all the tattoos?  Newsflash:  Not all relationships and above average friendships must turn into something.  However, if you are trying to turn your friendship with a guy into something more, then you need to get clear on what’s what.

Everyone’s approach to this is different but daters around the world usually fall into one of two camps.  Some women are what I like to call “first-date-direct.”  That is, most of their cards are put on the table on the first date.  These women make it clear that they will not be strung along for some indefinite time-share that may or may not materialize a relationship. While this behavior is often seen as intimidating, these ladies seldom face the question of friend or boyfriend.

Others are more flexible and prefer to simply “see where it goes.”  This is probably the most common approach as most women perpetually wait for the other shoe to drop anyway.   Of course, the ambiguity involved in this approach can be a bit un-nerving.  If you’re not careful, you can easily fall into a vortex of back and forth conversations that still lead to the land of gray area.

Regardless of which camp you find yourself in, it’s not brain science.  If you find yourself wanting more than friendship, look at the situation with both eyes and simply observe.  Don’t over crowd your brain with possible explanations for someone’s behavior (or lack thereof).  For example, if you’re dating someone who constantly reinforces the fact that you’re not in a relationship, take it as a sign that there’s a good chance your situation isn’t going to blossom into a relationship.  When you’re single and dating, apply the golden rule and treat the people you deal with as they treat you.  Do not go above and beyond in hopes that this person will reciprocate your actions.  Do not arrange for special things if special things have never been arranged for you.  Above all, do not make yourself widely available to someone who only makes themselves available on their terms.  This is how people get hurt.

Los Angeles is filled with beautiful women who are always going to be younger, smarter or more successful than you.  This isn’t your concern.  As a matter of fact, this actually works in your favor because single men (and women) are typically looking for their best option.  Men don’t want to settle for a simply great girl if there’s a younger, more attractive girl with whom they might have a chance.  You’ll want to weed these men out of your dating circle as quickly as possible.  If you don’t, they’ll only take up time that could be better spent on your better matches.  Believe it or not, there are many frustrated, good men in the world who are looking for their most compatible match, as opposed to the hottest woman that will tolerate them.

I know this seems basic but applying the Golden Rule in dating has never disappointed me.  This Friday, for example, I could choose to spend my time with the guy I hear from only just enough to make sure that I don’t erase his number from my iPhone.  Or, I could spend my time with the guy who has read every blog I’ve ever written, asks me if I want to grab dinner and a movie every weekend, and makes an effort to get more involved in my life every time I see him.  I’ll give you one guess where my Friday will be spent…

Falling In Love With Potential…

crossed fingers

Falling In Love With Potential…

Sure, he’s a wonderful, sweet guy and full of ambition.   But, could you love him if he never reached his potential? If the man you’re dating today never morphs into the man you’re hoping he’ll be tomorrow and you’re okay this, then you are truly in it for the long haul.   Clearly, what a man tells you is what you want to believe, especially when everything is new. But, if you’re banking in HIS maturity, wealth or evolution to complete the portrait of success you’ve created in YOUR mind, you may want to re-evaluate.

Getting caught up in HIS plans for the future is easy but how caught up is HE in HIS plans for the future?  If he works for UPS and tells you he’s going to be doctor, is he at least enrolled in medical school? If not, there are probably dozens of good reasons as to why he hasn’t executed.  Of course, if a year rolls by and he’s still teetering, your take-away should be that his game plan is flimsy.  Fast-forward another year, he’s still working for UPS and still isn’t any closer to reaching his goal.  Case in point, your boy is probably a career UPS driver.  And, there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with being a career UPS driver, except when YOU get caught up in the idea of dating a doctor.

Sharing in each other’s dreams is an awesome way to connect and see if your aspirations are compatible.  Making critical life decisions based on what someone SAYS they want to do as opposed to what they are actually doing is just plain stupid (not too mention reckless).

The problem with expectations is that there’s bound to be some disappointments.  Granted, the world is full of talented people but what separates the talented from the successful is the ability to commit to the end game.  In general, women LOVE sticking it out in relationships.  We gamble with our time and our life goals for the possibility of “relationshipping” with someone who has the potential for greatness.  If we committed to falling in love with our own potential (instead of someone else’s), then we would only attract men who were already operating in their highest self because YOU would be operating in yours.

The Wonderful World of Text Dating…

The Wonderful World of Text Dating…

 

In the magical realm of Disney fairytales where princes rescue princesses and love prevails over evil stepsisters, I must’ve missed the part where Prince Charming sends his lady in waiting a text message saying, “slaying the dragon, SMH, BRB – xoxo.”  I mean seriously, lol, ttyl, lmao, and rotfl are all suitable acronyms for a gal on the go, but is this an acceptable substitute for communication while dating?

A trend that seems to be emerging on the LA dating scene is a phenomenon known as “Text Dating.”  Text Dating:  The residual stepchild of phone conversation and online dating contributing to the further decay of traditional dating etiquette.  Guys love it because it affords them the luxury of perpetual location anonymity, meaning a man can text you from anywhere in the continental United States and tell you ANYTHING.  He can be on his way to a date and text you that he misses you.  As a matter of fact, he can be sitting at a dinner table on an actual date and text you that he misses you.  More importantly, text dating relieves men of COMMUNICATION, and we all know how much most men love to communicate (insert sarcasm here).   In text dating, communication is butchered down to 1-3 lines of ambiguous text that could be interpreted in a plethora of different ways.  For example: “no babe, when I said cool, I meant cool as in I wasn’t coming over last night, not cool as in I’m on my way.”  Uh huh, sound familiar?  I could literally start a whole chapter on these.

The central thesis (if you will) is that, during the phase of dating where definitive lines have yet to be drawn, text dating should NOT be taken seriously.  I cannot tell you how many women ask to me to help them decode some guy’s text message (word problems were sooo ninth grade).  My advice is always the same, “PICK UP THE PHONE”!

If 80% of your communication with a man is done via text, you might be fantasizing up the relationship (albeit probably not by accident).   I’m sure there were dozens of cleverly engineered phrases that lead you to believe that there were genuine sparks of interest.  Provocative cliffhanger phrases like, “I wanna see you soon,” “Just wanted to check in, ” and “I miss u.”  While these phrases do strike a genuinely sweet cord (even when sent over text), they are lacking one key component, SPECIFICS.   Remember Ladies! Men who are genuinely trying to see you and who genuinely “miss you” include DATES, TIMES, and LOCATIONS, even better would be a phone call (yeah, remember those???).

Whether your situation is committed, casual or complicated, if your beau fails to inject material forms of interest into the relationship with real words and in person, chances are, your romance is probably in your head.  And, unless your guy is moonlighting as an action hero outside of his day job, if he’s MIA most of the week, “checking in” text messages are not a sign of endearment.   People who are genuinely interested in building something with you typically like having conversations with you.  People who are genuinely interested use the text feature to send you directions to the art gallery that they want to meet you at or to the restaurant that they wanna take you to.  That’s how “it” works.  So, separate yourself from the vortex of unnecessary confusion and take control of an already black and white situation, TTYL – xoxo.

 

 

 

Facebook Is Officially Bad For Relationships…

Facebook Is Officially Bad For Relationships…

 

What do you mean Facebook is bad for relationships? Duh! Regardless of what you’ve marked your status as (single, in a relationship, etc.), Facebook is where suspicions run wild and imaginations are free to interpret harmless comments and “like” buttons as secret affairs.  What’s worse!? More often than not, those harmless comments and “like” buttons actually are secret affairs. Facebook signs that your relationship is trouble are pretty obvious but you have to pay attention.  Basic techniques for catching a man cheating doesn’t necessarily apply to Facebook.  For example, back in the day when he turned off his cell phone or became mysteriously unavailable, you knew something was up.  Now, things are a little different…

The most obvious sign of any good Facebook cheater is a blank page. His “angel” page is full of family commentary and well wishes from all the people you know and love.  It’s almost too good to be true.  Unfortunately, unless your man is 12 years old, it probably IS too good to be true.  Aside from all of the security options that allow us to hide and manipulate posts, a plethora of other ways in which to engage people secretly are available.  In short, what you see on someone’s page is generally only what that person wants you see on the their page.  Be wary of anyone’s page that does not contain any comments from friends, girlfriends or immediate peer groups.  If your man is always talking about things someone said or something he saw on Facebook, yet never seems to post or actively participate on Facebook, he most likely has another Facebook profile that you’re not aware of.  It is here on his secret page that he can post freely not prohibited by the fear of your judgments.

Another tactic commonly employed by Facebook cheaters is “hiding in plain sight” (On Facebook).  His robust inventory of 965 friends, of which 902 of them happen to be strategically dressed naked women, should be a dead giveaway.  This is for those of you who’ve entered into a new relationship with someone who insists that you become Facebook friends.  After you’ve added him as a friend successfully and Facebook stalked him thoroughly, you realize that he has quite a few female friends.  However, you think to yourself “why would a man who was cheating on me with all of these women ask me to add him as a friend on Facebook?”  Well, the answer is simple.  There’s no better tactic than cheating in plain sight because most women simply disregard the audacity of the obvious.

All of this visibility into the life of someone you met seems to produce the exact opposite of your desired outcome.  Why? Because after you’ve cracked the passwords and turned his page inside out, you’re left with the same thing you started out with, DOUBT.  More than cryptic comments and alternative accounts, the reason that Facebook forums are bad for relationships is because people put too much out there.  The personal time that you enjoy to yourself now includes Facebook and we forget that.  So, when you add a new friend it translates as you’ve met someone new.  When you’re tagged in a photo, where you said you were going should match where you actually went.  You see, just as in real life, undercover Facebook activity will eventually catch up with you and the moral of the story is that EVERYONE still eventually gets CAUGHT.

 

What’s so Wrong With Settling Anyway?

What’s so Wrong With Settling Anyway?

top-settling-down

When the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, they put a stake in the ground and said, “This is where we’ll settle.”  Nobody questioned it.  No one said, “let’s keep going until we hit the beach and the women are prettier and the weather is 75 degrees all year long.  Everyone just followed suit and started their new life.  True enough, there wasn’t as much else to do in those days but you get my point.

Today, the inevitable question that we (women) ask ourselves in any relationship is, “Am I settling” (for less)?  Somewhere in our ambitious lives, we got the idea that the person we end up with has to be nothing short of a superhero with a nice car, a substantial amount of disposable income and great sex (of course).  But if one of those things is missing, does that mean you’ve settled?  And even if you did decide to settle, is that necessarily a bad thing? It seemed to work for the Pilgrims.  Why can’t we settle and see what grows?

In our lifetime, we (women) will undoubtedly date a lot more men than our mothers did.   Yet, in the same way our mothers did, we will be expected to settle down with one man and start a family.  This is the scariest part of settlement, the part where we agree to stay in one place with one person for the rest of our lives.  This is what we are really running from when we use the excuse, “I don’t want to settle.”  What we’re actually saying is; I don’t want to reach my ultimate conclusion because that would mean I’d actually have to make up my mind (the cosmic crutch of most women).

So, you’re not dating a Superhero.  Isn’t that always going to be the case?  I mean, haven’t you dated the rich guy with no soul? Or, the soulful guy with no riches?  Haven’t you already dated “great sex guy” who couldn’t carry on conversations outside of Sony PlayStation?  Haven’t you dated “nice car guy” who only drove you to drink?  I could go on (fancy vacation guy, ridiculous 40-something guy trying to be 20-something guy, …I digress).

I’m just saying, find a happy middle ground with a man and see where it goes.  Instead of Mr. Big, how about Mr. Medium? Stop worrying about settling and focus on the awesome gift of companionship.  Settling doesn’t mean the end of your life.  It means taking a stand in your life and letting that marinate for a little bit.  It means a new direction and a way to find out what you (and possibly the man in your life) are made of.

 

Needs Vs. Neediness

Needs Vs. Neediness

  

Neediness is a silent killer that only gets worse as a relationship progresses.  Often times it sneaks up on you so subtly that you don’t even realize you’ve become a NEEDY woman.  There are several signs that can clue you in on the fact that you’ve morphed into a slab of Velcro.

Should I Syndrome:  The “Should I Syndrome” occurs in women who constantly seek approval from their boyfriends at every turn. “Should I wear this dress,” “Should I cut my hair,” (etc., etc., etc.)?  Honestly, it annoys your girlfriends when you do this so you can only imagine the perilous state of mind that it puts your boyfriend in.  Did you not have one single, solitary thought of your own prior to being in a relationship?  Did you trade in your ability to make decisions for a lifetime supply of Victoria’s Secret catalogs?  You were your own person before a man stepped into your life, weren’t you?  Keep your super powers in tact and be the woman that didn’t need approval to wear short skirts or rock vampire blood nail polish.

Girls Night Gone Bye-Bye:  The worst thing a woman can do in a new relationship is throw her girlfriends overboard.   It’s a common mistake that usually lasts about a month and a half (give or take a few weeks).  We expect our friends to engorge themselves on bliss in the midst of their newly formed love nests.  However, when you fail to regain some semblance of your former self, it really will take a toll on your relationship.  The added pressure on your man to be your only source of entertainment is a flat out turn off.  Keep your happy hours, your ladies nights and any other regiments that you enjoyed pre-boyfriend.   It conveys a sense of balance to your partner and appreciation to your base (yunno, the gals who love you).

PDA Over-Kill:  Public Displays of Affection are wonderful (in moderation).  If you’ve become the girl that must hold hands and follow her man around at every party, like an inextricable pair of Siamese twins, it’s time to count to ten.  Seriously, don’t be that girl.  Ironically, the only thing you’ll manage to accomplish is alienation.  Your man will feel suffocated and your behavior will be perceived as creepy.  Socialize and mingle amongst yourself when you head out into the world with your man.  That’s why you went out to begin with, isn’t’ it?   Don’t follow him around with stalker eyes.  Don’t hug and kiss him every time he stops to talk to someone of the opposite sex.  Be cool, enjoy yourself and know that your confidence is really quite intriguing to everyone including your significant other.  Work the room!  Besides, if nothing else, avoiding your man at a party can be an amazing source of foreplay for later.

If your needs are being met at the basic level, why compromise the dynamic of your relationship with needy behavior?  Some guys think it’s cute but most guys find it annoying.  Keep a fair share of mystery about yourself.  It may seem like game playing but you’ll find that keeping an element of sport involved keeps the relationship fresh.  Otherwise, date night becomes generic and romance becomes a challenge.  Adopt the perspective that your man is supposed to complement your life, not become your life.

Topher Grace Begs Chelsea to Name Drop

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A Lesson in Jealousy…

A Lesson in Jealousy…

 

“Whoever envies another confesses his superiority”

  ~Samuel Johnson, The Rambler

The biggest lie we (women) tell ourselves is that we don’t have time to “worry” about what the next woman has.  We’re so “busy” being independent and successful that we simply can’t fit in time to be jealous (yeah right!).  The truth is this; what the next woman has keeps us striving for more of whatever “it” is that you don’t.  For some women it’s a better career, a better body, a perfect marriage or all of the above.  In Los Angeles there’s nothing we love more than having something that the next woman can’t. However, when we set the bar to someone else’s accomplishments, we don’t realize that we’re actually putting a ceiling on our own capacity to achieve. It’s like owning the fact that the best you can do is be as good as the next person, rather than realizing your individual potential.

The best way to deal with feelings of jealousy is to confront the real issue of lack in your own life.  Simply put, you’re not really jealous of your friend’s new car but your friend’s new car further magnifies your own inability to purchase one.  To be clear, your inability to purchase a new car has absolutely nothing to do with your friend’s new BMW.  It really boils down to the current state of affairs that your life is in versus your friends and your constant comparisons to someone else’s perceived happiness.  Even if you attain enough to keep up with the Jones, you’ll find that you still won’t be happy.

Be honest with yourself!  Don’t keep telling everyone that you love your dependable, beat up, old car when you really want a brand new one.  Stop professing to everyone how much you love your “curves” when you really want to get in shape.  And for goodness sake, stop telling people that you love being single if you really want a husband and kids.

When you are honest about the things you want, you can begin to make strides to acquire them. But, when you’re dishonest about the things you want for the sake of camouflaging the holes in your life, resentment begins to seep in and infiltrate your relationships.  Some women are masters at hiding their inner resentment but most simply are not. The venom begins to slips out in casual conversations and commentary.  Comments like, “oh I was going to get that pair but everyone already has them,” or “yeah that’s a cute bag but I don’t do labels.”  As if!

Jealousy and envy are as common as black skirts in the world of LA women.  You’ll never truly conquer these feelings to the point of no return but you can learn to deal with them in healthier ways that don’t compromise your friendships.   A lot of this comes with maturity but maturity isn’t always guaranteed.  So, for those of us who have a good handle on it, we need to be patient with our gal pals who aren’t quite there yet.  Not everything is personal, regardless of how personal it might feel.  Jealousy is abundant, understanding isn’t.  We’ve all been there and we all know it’s not possible to be happy for everyone all the time.  A jealous woman makes tiny strides to take the gloss off someone else’s accomplishments in order to keep from exposing the lack thereof in her own life. It’s just that simple but you’re better than that, so BE better than that!

Nice Car/ No Crib?

Nice Car/ No Crib?

In Los Angeles a man’s car is an extension of his wealth, his bedroom swag and overall success.  Most women hope to get out of a BMW 645 and walk into some swanky real estate-driven dwelling, parked by private valet service at a trendy Downtown LA high-rise. BUT, the last thing we expect to encounter is a random, annex styled apartment in the heart of Palms, CA fully equipped with the smell of incense and old sofa.

Now, I’m not saying that all men should drive nice cars but all men SHOULD keep it real. If you want women to love you for you, DO YOU! Don’t paint half the picture with material falsifications and then live off the steam of your almost-repossessed car!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my guys and I completely understand the pressures put on men to portray Hollywood money.  Further, I don’t let these LA vixens off the hook for demanding life styles that they are too lazy to create for themselves. Rather than talking to the guy who hits  the Crown Bar every Friday night long hollering “google me” to any chick within earshot, I prefer a man that drives a regular car and parks it at his own crib where the gas, phone and light bill are in his name.

Alicia Keys – Brand New Me Video

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Chelsea Lately: Octomom’s Housing Fund

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