LAG BLOG ARCHIVE
Is it OK to Loan Your Boyfriend Money?
I’m sure a plethora of scenarios are running through your head in which you are probably trying to justify when it’s ok to loan money to your man. Of course there are those who are actually calculating the hundreds if not thousands of dollars they’ve already lost to the “I-can-do-bad-all-by-myself” college fund. Where was Tyler Perry when you needed him? Hopefully you’re not THAT girl but I’m 98% sure you know a girl who fits this description. Let’s face it, we live in Los Angeles, home of the designer $32 Kobe beef burger, there’s no such thing as petty cash in this town. Even if you are the breadwinner in a relationship, a personal line of credit extended from your checking account to your man is not a great idea. In fact, ESPECIALLY when you are the breadwinner in the relationship, loaning your man money is not a great idea. I’m not saying that we (women) should not support our significant others in a time of need. What I am saying is that it’s tricky.
Now, there’s nothing I love more than contributing in a relationship. If I have the means to contribute and make a good vacation GREAT, then damn it I want a personal concierge, a beach view and bottomless dirty martinis throughout my stay. There’s NOTHING wrong with putting your finances together to purchase something awesome whether it be a great vacation or a great single family home. There’s NOTHING wrong with buying your man a nice and/or expensive birthday present. Financial collaboration between two people who have it like that is sexy. However, the moment you start reaching into your pockets to help support a boyfriend out of necessity, you might as well start tossing out your sex drive like spare change.
The difference is this: When we have a man in our life who spoils us and provides without being asked to, we naturally want to reciprocate and let him know that he’s appreciated. BUT, when we have a man in our life that is struggling and HIS finances become a drain on YOUR finances, we begin to raise a Kardashian eyebrow. After all, if a man can’t provide for himself how will he be able to handle the rest of the grown up things in life?
Truthfully it’s not even about the loan. It’s about the notion that you have now become the man in the relationship. You now have power that you didn’t ask for in lieu of the security that most women crave. Plus, when your inner loan shark begins to emerge and you see him buying Play Station games instead of making good on his debt, you start to realize that you’ve just adopted a grown man.
AMBIGUOUS JOB GUY: What do you do for a living?
We’ve all done it, fantasized up a real job behind a guy we knew had a fake job. Or, even worse, no job. Perhaps his honest brown eyes made us want to believe that he was really a “Record Producer”. Perhaps his above average vocabulary made us believe he was a “Doctor”. However, it is definitely the holes in his story and his shoes that let you know he was telling lies and not just baby lies but gargantuan, designer, Dolce & Gabana lies. Yes, big fat Natalie Portman, Academy Award winning lies. Go big or go home I suppose…
The thing about Ambiguous Job Guy in Los Angeles is that he’s usually detectable by key words like, “actor,” “entrepreneur,” and my personal favorite, “Real Estate.” Immediately abort any form of conversation with a man who says that he “does real estate.” To be clear, one doesn’t actually “do” real estate. One usually sells real estate, buys it or flips it, but NEVER does anyone simply “do” real estate.
The first dead give away in spotting Ambiguous Job Guy is his schedule. If he has the time to call and text you all day long, cute as it may be, he’s probably not busy at WORK. He’s most likely at home watching paternity tests on Maury and learning how to make Diet Pepsi BBQ sauce on the cooking channel. Yes ladies, unless you’ve hit the trust-fund jackpot, this guy is probably not “doing real estate.”
The second dead give away is his quality of life. Be careful, this one is tricky! Quality of life is subjective for the most part and relative to factors like age. For example, if he’s over 35, has two roommates, no car, and pays for all of your dinners with a prepaid Visa, chances are he doesn’t “do Real Estate.”
The third and final dead give away (and I could go on), is a man’s SHOES. Aside from all other of forms of wardrobe malfunction, the shoes cannot tell a lie. The shoes are the glue that tie everything together. The shoes validate industry, versatility, and swag. For example, if a man throws on some nice fitted jeans, a fitted sweater and some fresh, clean sneakers, there’s a good chance he’s a successful person with industry flare and interesting conversation. Same outfit with Gucci loafers on and he’s probably a lawyer, or some type of corporate or finance professional. Having said that, if his sneakers are dusty, or the GG’s on his loafers are upside down, I think it’s safe to assume that he probably doesn’t “do Real Estate.”
In LA, every woman revels in the glorious victory of the FREE DRINK. The free drink is social-scene Darwinism at its finest, the ultimate badge of honor for “Survival of the Prettiest.” The free drink not only validates a woman’s efforts in hair, clothing, and make-up , it sets her apart from the less fortunate girls who did not make it past the process of natural selection (mean girl smirk). While the ritual of the free drink may seem a bit trifling to some, unarguably no better feeling exists than the accomplishment derived from public displays of infatuation by a complete stranger. To put it plainly, the free drink makes you feel like the SH*&!!! As you mix it up with your pretend 5-minute boyfriend, for that brief moment in time, you are the bar Prom Queen. However, there are rules to this ish. The free drink does come with fine print, a print so fine that it only exists in theory. It would be awesome to get SOME form of heads up like…
”Tonight on Eyewitness News: We bring you the breaking story of the 1-drink Stalker on the loose. He’s been spotted in local LA bars and clubs hanging around dark corners with 2 free drink tickets and a GPS tracking device. Don’t be fooled by his generosity and harmless conversation! Once you’ve accepted the complimentary Grey Goose N Red Bull Martini, he will self magnetize to the bottom of your glass playing interference to all of your normal guy prospects for the rest of the evening.”
Of course, no such warning signs exist. Shortly after your girlfriends find male distractions and disappear into their conversations, the 1-Drink stalker is plotting his descent. Just as you manage to get the waiters attention, a mediocre looking man will approach and pay for your drink. Mildly impressed, you’ll entertain some conversation. Five minutes in and you’ll know you aren’t interested but you’ll extend the courtesy 15 minutes before ditching him to do your final walk around in the bar. As you ease your way off the bar stool you’ll see him grab his drink off the bar in an attempt to escort you to your intended destination. You figure you’ll take the easy way out and hit the ladies room. Hopefully you’ll see one of your girlfriends so you can pretend to be in one of the deepest conversations of your life thus bypassing the 1-Drink stalker. To no avail, he’ll be standing right at the entrance of the ladies room exit waiting for you.
What contemporary science has concluded is that there is no sure-fire way to politely extract one’s self from the clutches of the 1-Drink stalker (outside of leaving the venue all together). Fake numbers, one-word answers, the look of absolute disinterest simply won’t cut it. Thus, much like the Christian based slogan for abstinence, The Best Drink is No Drink if you want to avoid the lurking annoyances of the 1-Drink stalker.
When HE Moves In
Why is it that so many couples call it quits after they move in together? Does the combination of sharing a mattress and a tube of toothpaste send people completely over the edge? Perhaps one dirty sock too many left lingering outside of the hamper (where it OBVIOUSLY goes) triggers angry-brain synapse re-uptake. Whatever your “ism” is, moving in together has come to symbolize the true test of compatibility and God save the couple that decides to move in together only after they’ve married. There’s more to this than most people realize. Obviously a couple has “the talk” before they commit to a joint living situation but more basic than emotional requirements, likes and dislikes, are logistical requirements. For example, if both of you have enough shoes and clothes to open a small Nordstrom’s Rack, a discussion should be had about closet space and actual square footage. After all, closet space falls only second to its more accomplished sibling, personal space. Couples should always discuss the type of apartment, condo or home that they can amicably dwell in. Couples should start from the most idealistic playing field because the moment two people can access the front door without so much as a courtesy call it’s all about compromise from then on.
All too often young lovebirds decide that one will simply just move in with the other, a rookie mistake. If SHE moves into his place, HE technically retains the original lease and assumes most of the unspoken responsibility, even if the rent and/or bills are split 50/50. When SHE moves in, she’ll most likely be mindful of his space and try very hard not to encroach upon his privacy (an impossible feat). The woman is made to adapt to the man’s home (which she is good at) and the man naturally feels a sense of dominance because no matter what happens it will always feel like HIS place. This is a good thing because due to the natural dynamic that exists between man and woman, there are certain imbalances that arise in the face of conflict. For example, it’s considered to be in bad taste for a man to toss a woman out into the streets with all of her belongings. I do not assert that such things have never gone down but throwing a woman out is generally frowned upon regardless of the situation. Therefore, when SHE moves in there will be grace periods and courtesies extended to ensure that SHE secures an alternative place to live if the situation gets to a boiling point. When SHE moves in, HE typically won’t create a hostile environment in order to expedite her departure. If a couple decides to take the route of one moving in with the other, SHE should definitely move into his pad. For when HE moves into her place, the situation will go down entirely different.
There’s something inherently un-manly about a man moving into a woman’s place where she’s maintained the lease/mortgage on her own and has dressed the environment to her very particular taste level. This cosmic constitution is not based on anything that resembles logic; it’s just something that unexplainably upsets the natural dynamic of a relationship. When HE moves in, he will be in the way and when she gets home from a hard day at work, HE will be there watching sports on TV, seemingly crushing the velvet right out of her purple couch. SHE will ask him to do silly things like NOT sit in the armchair every day because it’s losing its firmness. SHE will endlessly complain about the 2 dress shirts that he has hanging on her side of the closet. Since all of the utilities will be in her name, SHE will technically be paying the bills. This doesn’t sit well with women psychologically (like, at their core). Even though HE offers to give her money, she will scoff at the fact that he simply didn’t just PAY THE BILL. In a woman’s mind, when she has to ask for something, whatever that “something” is, it automatically means that her man is not providing that “something.” In a shared living environment, when a woman sees a bill she assumes that her man knows it needs to get paid and an automatic contribution, not an offer, should take place.
If you’re considering taking your relationship to the next level, be sure to weigh all of the options.
Don’t skimp on space to save money unless you are both minimalists who don’t have a lot of “stuff” to fill the space.
Always be kind and mindful of each other’s presence, especially when guests are present.
Most importantly, remember that privacy is key and going through someone’s stuff merely because you can is NEVER okay. Your lives are already an open book, no need to sift through old pics of his ex or her diaries from college, some things are better left alone.
Men Are Hunters…
So here’s the thing. After negotiating with your friends, your nail lady, your cousin and your coworkers as to whether or not he’s interested, it all boils down to one fundamental truth: Men are hunters.
If a guy wants to see you, date you or be with you (hopefully all three), he’s going to make it happen. A man who wants to advance a relationship doesn’t create obstacles. More importantly, when a man creates obstacles you need to MOVE ONWARD. The signs are easy and quite obvious even if he’s not.
At the end of the day, men (like women) don’t want to deal with the guilt of hurting someone’s feelings when they’ve lost interest. Instead, they play the distance game in hopes that you’ll “get the hint.”
However, you don’t have to waste time wondering! I’ve created a short timeline to help my peeps escape the perils of dating limbo.
Week 1: You meet a guy. After day 1 he’s calling and texting you a few times a day to make sure he’s keeping himself active in your mind. This shows that he’s interested in you and wants you to know that he’s thinking about you (awww shucks).
Week 2: After a few conversations and many smiley faces and wink-wink text messages later, you decide to go on a date with this guy. The date goes well, you chat, feel out each other’s personality and move on to week 3.
Week 3: Your daily text messages and phone conversations have been reduced to a couple of weekly check-ins and the content has become less and less substantial. This is a general show of unimportance (not because you’re unimportant), he’s simply not motivated enough to put the effort in to “it” anymore and that’s perfectly ok, let the process of elimination begin!
Week 4: You’re reduced to accidentally on purpose texting this guy to let him know that you’re still alive (even though he didn’t ask) and silently stalking his Facebook check-ins. Please stop yourself here and call your bestest girlfriend who won’t judge your personal style of crazy while she talks you off the cliff.
Knowing when to “hold em” and when to “fold em” is key. Moving on to better candidates sooner than later only helps you achieve what you want sooner. Be a hunter too! If you’re not sure where something is going, ask. But, also know that if you have to ask…..just saying. Happy Dating!
My good friend (and aesthetician) once told me that, in Jewish culture, some women believe when you take the underwear that a bride wore during her wedding and you wear them for 3 days in a row (without washing them), you will get married in less than a year. After hearing this myth I asked if this had worked for anyone she knew. To which she replied, “yes, as a matter of fact, 3 different girls wore my underwear after my wedding last year and 2 of them ended up getting married in less than 1 year.” One of these ladies happened to be her sister who was married just days before I earned of this Jewish magic trick. Of course, the inner cynic in me didn’t really believe that this was the key to getting married. But, I figured what the heck, it was worth a yeast infection to find out. Unfortunately for me, the waiting list for the recent brides underwear was long and her underwear was already taken (aw shucks!).
There’s also the universally practiced tradition of catching a bride’s bouquet. The bride gathers the single ladies at her wedding into a group for all to see. As everyone stands around waiting for the bride to toss her floral arrangement over the balcony, the mosh pit of single ladies prepare to dive for the promise of marriage. The myth surrounding this tradition is that the lucky gal who manages to catch the bouquet will be the next one to get married. Like the de-feathering of an innocent chicken, the bouquet catching ceremony is not a game. It’s destiny.
There’s also that one myth where a bride shouldn’t see the groom (her husband to be) on the day of her wedding, until the ceremony. It’s apparently bad luck and it’s supposed to be a surprise. A surprise? really? Even though the two of you have lived together for the last 5 years, dated 12 years (on and off) prior to that and have a 17 year old graduating from High School? Surprise!!! I’m wearing a white dress today!
I’m wondering if some of the myths and traditions around marriage aren’t somehow driving people away from it in this modern age. Weddings have become huge presentations that are all about the details. The smaller the wedding is, the more expensive the details seem to get. If you think about it, the full cycle of marriage really starts with the first date. From then on it’s a constant debate and overhaul of life goals, dreams, etc. Finally, the “marriage material” stamp gets applied invisibly to the forehead of your latest prospect and it’s kind of a waiting game from there on out. At least the Jewish myth gives you a time frame; the bouquet thing is kind of a toss up (no pun intended).
7 Things to Bring While Vacationing With Your Man…
Vacationing with a man is one of the most important things a woman does in a relationship. If you’ve been dating a guy for at least a year and you haven’t taken so much as a scenic day trip together, I suggest you start researching last minute vacations on your favorite travel site immediately. This is critical! Going out of town with someone lets you see them outside of their comfort zone. You’ll get to see how your beau reacts to public situations (like losing luggage), accommodation debacles and raw socializing. These are all very important factors in evaluating deeper layers of compatibility. Certainly there will be ample amounts of sunset walks but it’s more so a way for you to see if you can simply enjoy yourself while on vacation with this person.
1. First things first, bring your own money. I don’t mean money for the trip; I mean enough money to secure you an earlier or later trip back home if necessary. If you don’t carry credit cards, make sure you have enough cash on hand to get you through spontaneous situations.
2. Bring every item of beautification necessary. Don’t assume that you’ll be able to buy anything once you get there. If you’re one of those gals that doesn’t require a lot of maintenance, good for you (NOT). However, most of us need a few things before putting our best face forward, try to make every day a Kodak moment day. And, always bring a fresh manicure/pedicure.
3. Do some quick research on the weather. Most highly traveled areas have YouTube footage done by tourists and major venues that will give you an idea of what clothing to take. More importantly, it will give you an idea of what to do with your hair. Humidity poof balls are the worst (defer to my comment about Kodak moments).
4. Have a camera that’s convenient enough to carry with you to your destinations. Camera phones are awesome but they don’t always take the best pictures and you don’t want to miss a perfect sunset because you’re busy setting up the tripod. After all, what are great vacations without great pictures to remember them by?
5. Make sure you have a pair of shoes for every occasion like walking. You’ll pretty much know ahead of time what types of activities and events you’ll be doing. Bring one or two versatile pairs of shoes that can be dressed up or down and can go with most of your outfits. Please don’t bring a pair of shoes for each outfit. You won’t wear them all, I promise!!!
6. Pack clothing that you feel good in. Don’t take yourself consciousness on vacation with you. Bring versatile pieces that can easily transition from day to night or from pool to bar but most of all, BE HAPPY with how you look.
7. And finally, the most important item on the list: A fantastic attitude. Don’t be the girl that complains about every little detail of a trip that doesn’t go as planned. Have a fantastic time regardless of what is thrown your way.
Embrace the beauty of the adventure and be open to trying new things. Regardless of how many American Express mileage points you have, fantastic vacations with your honey can’t be bought. Fantastic vacations are the result of two people committed to the idea of enjoying themselves together. So, leave work at work, put your text conversations to bed and focus building great memories.
The Community Boyfriend
When you’re in a relationship with someone it’s commonly understood that the person you’ve been dating will have friends who have been in their life much longer than you have. Whether you’ve been dating six months or six years, there are people who have depended on your significant other for friendship and have established meaningful, platonic relationships with him throughout the years. Simply put, you will always be sharing your special someone with friends, family and possibly ex- girlfriends. These external relationships can be a healthy time-share that enables everyone to maintain a sense of individuality while you build a strong couple identity. For many women, a man with a healthy amount of friendships is a sign of a balanced life. That said, regardless of how much you admire your man’s generosity, nobody wants to date the community boyfriend.
Certain friendships can feel invasive and challenging, thus, upsetting the natural dynamic of your relationship. Usually these types of friendships are consistent and you can determine whether or not you find it disrespectful early on in the dating phase. On occasion there are situations that arise mid-relationship that can truly test your trust, leaving you to wonder how much of a priority your comfort level is to your significant other. For example, let’s say that you’ve been dating someone and out of the blue one of his friends (of the opposite sex) needs a place to stay while they get their living situation together. The first thing you should ask yourself is how normal this situation feels to you and whether or not you feel threatened by another woman in your personal space. Make no mistake; even though it’s not your place, where your man lives is still an extension of your personal space. Why? Because it’s still a space of where you probably share a lot of time and intimacy together.
Of course, you never want to seem as though you’d want someone to be homeless at the cost of your personal insecurities. If that’s the case then you probably have your own segment of soul searching to do. What really matters is the amount of thoughtfulness your boyfriend exhibits to this person’s situation compared to the situation that he is simultaneously putting you in. If you know the woman well and never had suspicions about her before, it’s probably safe to assume that your boyfriend doesn’t think you’ll mind. In that same spirit, you probably wouldn’t mind but why guess?
One thing that women know better than anything else in the entire universe is how to gauge another woman’s intentions. It seems like the first thing that develops in the womb is a woman’s intuition. The way she rubs his shoulder, the way she eats in front of him and the way she appears to be all too concerned with your happiness are only a few of the ways in which to gauge another woman’s intentions toward your beau. If she’s always strategically dressed in such a way that she can easily show enough skin to appear sexy but not too much so that you don’t raise an eyebrow, it’s probably worth raising an eyebrow. If she’s always calling your boyfriend about her relationship drama but you never see her with a man, it might be worth raising an eyebrow.
Women are subtle, crafty creatures who can justify anything (and I mean anything) in the name of love. We compare our situations to everyone else’s and we read between the lines at all times while pretending not to calculate. Sometimes, we even justify finding solace in the possibility of a relationship with men who are unavailable. This is why most women are so good at spotting other woman who are out for their man. All of these things aside, do we really need to see the pink elephant in the room to know that it exists? Wouldn’t you be able to smell an elephant if it were in the room before entering? Isn’t it safe to assume that you might see the signs of an elephant moving into your personal space?
The hardest thing about trusting someone is that you have to do it 100%. There’s no middle ground for trust. That small fraction of doubt opens up the possibility that perhaps you are blindly investing your time. This is why boundaries are so important to clarify early on. They help us define the where we might go too far in our relationship.
Friend OR Boyfriend?
Apply the Golden Rule…
Are you dating someone that isn’t exactly your boyfriend but definitely falls well outside of the “friend zone”? Is there a “special guy” in your life or someone that you’re “dealing with”? If so, is the special guy you’re dealing with your man or just your man-friend? So often in my dating life people constantly ask me to define my relationships. Am I dealing with the guy I met in DC? What ever happened with that hot guy who had all the tattoos? Newsflash: Not all relationships and above average friendships must turn into something. However, if you are trying to turn your friendship with a guy into something more, then you need to get clear on what’s what.
Everyone’s approach to this is different but daters around the world usually fall into one of two camps. Some women are what I like to call “first-date-direct.” That is, most of their cards are put on the table on the first date. These women make it clear that they will not be strung along for some indefinite time-share that may or may not materialize a relationship. While this behavior is often seen as intimidating, these ladies seldom face the question of friend or boyfriend.
Others are more flexible and prefer to simply “see where it goes.” This is probably the most common approach as most women perpetually wait for the other shoe to drop anyway. Of course, the ambiguity involved in this approach can be a bit un-nerving. If you’re not careful, you can easily fall into a vortex of back and forth conversations that still lead to the land of gray area.
Regardless of which camp you find yourself in, it’s not brain science. If you find yourself wanting more than friendship, look at the situation with both eyes and simply observe. Don’t over crowd your brain with possible explanations for someone’s behavior (or lack thereof). For example, if you’re dating someone who constantly reinforces the fact that you’re not in a relationship, take it as a sign that there’s a good chance your situation isn’t going to blossom into a relationship. When you’re single and dating, apply the golden rule and treat the people you deal with as they treat you. Do not go above and beyond in hopes that this person will reciprocate your actions. Do not arrange for special things if special things have never been arranged for you. Above all, do not make yourself widely available to someone who only makes themselves available on their terms. This is how people get hurt.
Los Angeles is filled with beautiful women who are always going to be younger, smarter or more successful than you. This isn’t your concern. As a matter of fact, this actually works in your favor because single men (and women) are typically looking for their best option. Men don’t want to settle for a simply great girl if there’s a younger, more attractive girl with whom they might have a chance. You’ll want to weed these men out of your dating circle as quickly as possible. If you don’t, they’ll only take up time that could be better spent on your better matches. Believe it or not, there are many frustrated, good men in the world who are looking for their most compatible match, as opposed to the hottest woman that will tolerate them.
I know this seems basic but applying the Golden Rule in dating has never disappointed me. This Friday, for example, I could choose to spend my time with the guy I hear from only just enough to make sure that I don’t erase his number from my iPhone. Or, I could spend my time with the guy who has read every blog I’ve ever written, asks me if I want to grab dinner and a movie every weekend, and makes an effort to get more involved in my life every time I see him. I’ll give you one guess where my Friday will be spent…
Falling In Love With Potential…
Sure, he’s a wonderful, sweet guy and full of ambition. But, could you love him if he never reached his potential? If the man you’re dating today never morphs into the man you’re hoping he’ll be tomorrow and you’re okay this, then you are truly in it for the long haul. Clearly, what a man tells you is what you want to believe, especially when everything is new. But, if you’re banking in HIS maturity, wealth or evolution to complete the portrait of success you’ve created in YOUR mind, you may want to re-evaluate.
Getting caught up in HIS plans for the future is easy but how caught up is HE in HIS plans for the future? If he works for UPS and tells you he’s going to be doctor, is he at least enrolled in medical school? If not, there are probably dozens of good reasons as to why he hasn’t executed. Of course, if a year rolls by and he’s still teetering, your take-away should be that his game plan is flimsy. Fast-forward another year, he’s still working for UPS and still isn’t any closer to reaching his goal. Case in point, your boy is probably a career UPS driver. And, there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with being a career UPS driver, except when YOU get caught up in the idea of dating a doctor.
Sharing in each other’s dreams is an awesome way to connect and see if your aspirations are compatible. Making critical life decisions based on what someone SAYS they want to do as opposed to what they are actually doing is just plain stupid (not too mention reckless).
The problem with expectations is that there’s bound to be some disappointments. Granted, the world is full of talented people but what separates the talented from the successful is the ability to commit to the end game. In general, women LOVE sticking it out in relationships. We gamble with our time and our life goals for the possibility of “relationshipping” with someone who has the potential for greatness. If we committed to falling in love with our own potential (instead of someone else’s), then we would only attract men who were already operating in their highest self because YOU would be operating in yours.
The Wonderful World of Text Dating…
In the magical realm of Disney fairytales where princes rescue princesses and love prevails over evil stepsisters, I must’ve missed the part where Prince Charming sends his lady in waiting a text message saying, “slaying the dragon, SMH, BRB – xoxo.” I mean seriously, lol, ttyl, lmao, and rotfl are all suitable acronyms for a gal on the go, but is this an acceptable substitute for communication while dating?
A trend that seems to be emerging on the LA dating scene is a phenomenon known as “Text Dating.” Text Dating: The residual stepchild of phone conversation and online dating contributing to the further decay of traditional dating etiquette. Guys love it because it affords them the luxury of perpetual location anonymity, meaning a man can text you from anywhere in the continental United States and tell you ANYTHING. He can be on his way to a date and text you that he misses you. As a matter of fact, he can be sitting at a dinner table on an actual date and text you that he misses you. More importantly, text dating relieves men of COMMUNICATION, and we all know how much most men love to communicate (insert sarcasm here). In text dating, communication is butchered down to 1-3 lines of ambiguous text that could be interpreted in a plethora of different ways. For example: “no babe, when I said cool, I meant cool as in I wasn’t coming over last night, not cool as in I’m on my way.” Uh huh, sound familiar? I could literally start a whole chapter on these.
The central thesis (if you will) is that, during the phase of dating where definitive lines have yet to be drawn, text dating should NOT be taken seriously. I cannot tell you how many women ask to me to help them decode some guy’s text message (word problems were sooo ninth grade). My advice is always the same, “PICK UP THE PHONE”!
If 80% of your communication with a man is done via text, you might be fantasizing up the relationship (albeit probably not by accident). I’m sure there were dozens of cleverly engineered phrases that lead you to believe that there were genuine sparks of interest. Provocative cliffhanger phrases like, “I wanna see you soon,” “Just wanted to check in, ” and “I miss u.” While these phrases do strike a genuinely sweet cord (even when sent over text), they are lacking one key component, SPECIFICS. Remember Ladies! Men who are genuinely trying to see you and who genuinely “miss you” include DATES, TIMES, and LOCATIONS, even better would be a phone call (yeah, remember those???).
Whether your situation is committed, casual or complicated, if your beau fails to inject material forms of interest into the relationship with real words and in person, chances are, your romance is probably in your head. And, unless your guy is moonlighting as an action hero outside of his day job, if he’s MIA most of the week, “checking in” text messages are not a sign of endearment. People who are genuinely interested in building something with you typically like having conversations with you. People who are genuinely interested use the text feature to send you directions to the art gallery that they want to meet you at or to the restaurant that they wanna take you to. That’s how “it” works. So, separate yourself from the vortex of unnecessary confusion and take control of an already black and white situation, TTYL – xoxo.
What’s so Wrong With Settling Anyway?
When the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, they put a stake in the ground and said, “This is where we’ll settle.” Nobody questioned it. No one said, “let’s keep going until we hit the beach and the women are prettier and the weather is 75 degrees all year long. Everyone just followed suit and started their new life. True enough, there wasn’t as much else to do in those days but you get my point.
Today, the inevitable question that we (women) ask ourselves in any relationship is, “Am I settling” (for less)? Somewhere in our ambitious lives, we got the idea that the person we end up with has to be nothing short of a superhero with a nice car, a substantial amount of disposable income and great sex (of course). But if one of those things is missing, does that mean you’ve settled? And even if you did decide to settle, is that necessarily a bad thing? It seemed to work for the Pilgrims. Why can’t we settle and see what grows?
In our lifetime, we (women) will undoubtedly date a lot more men than our mothers did. Yet, in the same way our mothers did, we will be expected to settle down with one man and start a family. This is the scariest part of settlement, the part where we agree to stay in one place with one person for the rest of our lives. This is what we are really running from when we use the excuse, “I don’t want to settle.” What we’re actually saying is; I don’t want to reach my ultimate conclusion because that would mean I’d actually have to make up my mind (the cosmic crutch of most women).
So, you’re not dating a Superhero. Isn’t that always going to be the case? I mean, haven’t you dated the rich guy with no soul? Or, the soulful guy with no riches? Haven’t you already dated “great sex guy” who couldn’t carry on conversations outside of Sony PlayStation? Haven’t you dated “nice car guy” who only drove you to drink? I could go on (fancy vacation guy, ridiculous 40-something guy trying to be 20-something guy, …I digress).
I’m just saying, find a happy middle ground with a man and see where it goes. Instead of Mr. Big, how about Mr. Medium? Stop worrying about settling and focus on the awesome gift of companionship. Settling doesn’t mean the end of your life. It means taking a stand in your life and letting that marinate for a little bit. It means a new direction and a way to find out what you (and possibly the man in your life) are made of.