Posts Tagged ‘dresses’
What’s the Rush?
Dating as far back as 1760, the famous philosopher Immanuel Kant proposed the idea that our physical perceptions (sight, sound, taste, smell and touch) dictate much of how we view the outside world. Certainly true in the dating world, our encounters with the opposite sex are often predicated upon that very same philosophy. Our sense of sight determines the initial attraction. We exchange numbers. The first point of contact is initiated. Our ears begin to feast on the sound of his voice, leaving us in anticipation for the next call. Before we know it, first date dinner is upon the horizon. We share the taste of good food, the taste of good wine and the taste of a first kiss. Weeks of intermittent dating go by and we find ourselves craving the smell of his sweat-n-cologne laden collared shirt, which you have yet to rip off his body. And inevitably, the final act of touch (I’ll let you fill in the mind-blowing details).
In a perfect dating universe it would all play out just as I described, flawlessly over the course of 1-3 months (give or take a few weeks). Yet, so rarely do we truly engage the people we meet. We skip to the end game. We don’t see them at their worst. Sometimes we don’t even stop to have a good argument. And of course, this leads to the misunderstandings, miscommunications, and misfortune of the good-bye text/call/email/encounter. So what’s missing? Perhaps the art of communication, the sixth sense that brings us so much closer than any other form of physical intimacy. Communication isn’t as primitive as the other senses because it takes time to develop and cultivate. But, we’ve become lazy in our pursuits; a cut to the chase mentality has left us (women) grossly overlooking the details and compromising genuine connections.
Why find out about things that annoy you about this person (to your core) AFTER you’ve already taken the relationship to the last level? When you really take the time to get to know someone you may be pleasantly surprised by the fact that you’re really NOT interested. Sans relationship drama, sans sex, sans the un-pleasantries that accompany “the process,” you may find that you simply don’t share the same values.
Inversely, when you do engage the sixth sense, you may find that there is much more to a person than you assumed. You may find that you share deeper similarities than merely a love of hip-hop and midnight gelato in Silver Lake. Not that those types of similarities aren’t great too, common ground is key, but those things aren’t necessarily key components to a solid relationship. Don’t confuse the sparks and rainbows that come with sight, sound, taste, smell and touch with the realities that can only be uncovered through good old fashioned communication.
The Community Boyfriend
When you’re in a relationship with someone it’s commonly understood that the person you’ve been dating will have friends who have been in their life much longer than you have. Whether you’ve been dating six months or six years, there are people who have depended on your significant other for friendship and have established meaningful, platonic relationships with him throughout the years. Simply put, you will always be sharing your special someone with friends, family and possibly ex- girlfriends. These external relationships can be a healthy time-share that enables everyone to maintain a sense of individuality while you build a strong couple identity. For many women, a man with a healthy amount of friendships is a sign of a balanced life. That said, regardless of how much you admire your man’s generosity, nobody wants to date the community boyfriend.
Certain friendships can feel invasive and challenging, thus, upsetting the natural dynamic of your relationship. Usually these types of friendships are consistent and you can determine whether or not you find it disrespectful early on in the dating phase. On occasion there are situations that arise mid-relationship that can truly test your trust, leaving you to wonder how much of a priority your comfort level is to your significant other. For example, let’s say that you’ve been dating someone and out of the blue one of his friends (of the opposite sex) needs a place to stay while they get their living situation together. The first thing you should ask yourself is how normal this situation feels to you and whether or not you feel threatened by another woman in your personal space. Make no mistake; even though it’s not your place, where your man lives is still an extension of your personal space. Why? Because it’s still a space of where you probably share a lot of time and intimacy together.
Of course, you never want to seem as though you’d want someone to be homeless at the cost of your personal insecurities. If that’s the case then you probably have your own segment of soul searching to do. What really matters is the amount of thoughtfulness your boyfriend exhibits to this person’s situation compared to the situation that he is simultaneously putting you in. If you know the woman well and never had suspicions about her before, it’s probably safe to assume that your boyfriend doesn’t think you’ll mind. In that same spirit, you probably wouldn’t mind but why guess?
One thing that women know better than anything else in the entire universe is how to gauge another woman’s intentions. It seems like the first thing that develops in the womb is a woman’s intuition. The way she rubs his shoulder, the way she eats in front of him and the way she appears to be all too concerned with your happiness are only a few of the ways in which to gauge another woman’s intentions toward your beau. If she’s always strategically dressed in such a way that she can easily show enough skin to appear sexy but not too much so that you don’t raise an eyebrow, it’s probably worth raising an eyebrow. If she’s always calling your boyfriend about her relationship drama but you never see her with a man, it might be worth raising an eyebrow.
Women are subtle, crafty creatures who can justify anything (and I mean anything) in the name of love. We compare our situations to everyone else’s and we read between the lines at all times while pretending not to calculate. Sometimes, we even justify finding solace in the possibility of a relationship with men who are unavailable. This is why most women are so good at spotting other woman who are out for their man. All of these things aside, do we really need to see the pink elephant in the room to know that it exists? Wouldn’t you be able to smell an elephant if it were in the room before entering? Isn’t it safe to assume that you might see the signs of an elephant moving into your personal space?
The hardest thing about trusting someone is that you have to do it 100%. There’s no middle ground for trust. That small fraction of doubt opens up the possibility that perhaps you are blindly investing your time. This is why boundaries are so important to clarify early on. They help us define the where we might go too far in our relationship.
One of the most traditional ways that women have come into wealth since the dawn of dowries is by simply marrying into it. In Los Angeles there is no shortage of women who would be more than thrilled to quit their day jobs for the prospect of pre-nuptial bliss to a man of means. While this is somewhat frowned upon in communities of affluence, dating and marrying upward is still something that happens quite often. Obviously dating a man of means has its perks. However, more important than gifts and great trips, dating up is an opportunity to experience operating at a higher level of consciousness. While economics does come into play a lot of the time, dating up isn’t always about money. If you take nothing away from dating a dynamic individual, other than the experience of a nice restaurant and car ride, then you aren’t living in the moment.
Dating up is not to be confused with simply being a groupie. Dating up is about meeting someone who has achieved something that you admire and want to emulate in some facet of your own life. At face value this seems a bit controversial but realistically speaking we would hope that the men we choose to date would be, at the very least, on the same level in terms of income, career, education, etc. We would also hope to involve ourselves with men whom we could respect and learn from. Dating up isn’t merely something to show off, it’s much deeper. If we believe in the idea that we attract what we act, then dating up is actually a way to try on the image that the universe wants us to have.
A huge factor in attracting the type of man you want to meet has to do with the type of energy you exude. Make an effort to envision only our best selves and make conscious strides toward manifesting that person within you. The object of the dating game, as with any other game, is to win but winning can simple be achieving happiness and contentment. Dating up serves as a sophisticated social experiment that offers women the opportunity to test their social skills and preparedness for various levels of interaction. For example, can you be the kind of woman that a man can take to a dive bar or a White House dinner? Can you switch gears and adapt to awkward moments, or do you shut down in the face of exposure? Set higher standards for yourself mentally, physically and spiritually so that you can go on to meet interesting people who reflect these standards. After all, the art of love and dating is also the art of internal reflection and self-awareness.
The Big RED Beauty Pageant…
Legend has it that… “Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.”
Everyone knows that Valentine’s Day is the biggest chocolate-teddy-bear-lingerie conspiracy on the planet (unless you’re actually in a relationship, in which case, IT ROCKS-HELLO!!!!!). SO, why do we set aside an entire day to celebrate the lost art of actually loving someone? Well…maybe…. it’s because in the land of LA power couples, celebrity 48-hour marriages, happy-ending massage parlors, match.com, baby momma drama, dead-beat dads and 5-minute speed dating, it’s kinda nice to take a day to acknowledge simple, true, romanticized, story-book, elusive, slash-your-tires-if-you-cheat-on me, psychotic ex-girlfriend, by-any-means-necessary, good old fashioned, LOVE.
Now, you may be asking yourself “How does one celebrate the Valentine’s Day in the city of Angels (and Desperate Hip-Hop Basketball Housewives)?” Well it’s simple…think of Valentine’s Day in Los Angeles like a BIG RED beauty Pageant. Women get to parade around town all dressed up in their bestest date-night dress, make dinner reservations and with significant other firmly in tote, say the world, “Yes world, I’m PRETTY and this man’s willingness to spend 3 times the usual cost on dinner tonight proves that.” Well, maybe not specifically, but you get the picture.
For starters let’s examine the wonderful phenomenon of women’s lingerie…while everyday is Valentine’s Day in Victoria’s Secret where the red and pink shopping bags inform everyone in my office that I am indeed intimate, it seems as though on V-Day, lingerie gets just a tad more provocative (if you can imagine). And let us not forget, the shower gel, lotion and glitter body spray usually reserved for only the classiest of pole dancers. Now that we’ve got the after-dinner fantasy romp covered, that is the end of the story because all these things ultimately lead up to the after dinner fantasy romp. So let us raise a toast and infuse our lives with one extra day of bikini waxes, Brazilian blowouts and beautification in honor of celebrating the thing we gals strive to attain; good old-fashioned, lovely, lovely, LOVE.
Is it OK to Loan Your Boyfriend Money?
I’m sure a plethora of scenarios are running through your head in which you are probably trying to justify when it’s ok to loan money to your man. Of course there are those who are actually calculating the hundreds if not thousands of dollars they’ve already lost to the “I-can-do-bad-all-by-myself” college fund. Where was Tyler Perry when you needed him? Hopefully you’re not THAT girl but I’m 98% sure you know a girl who fits this description. Let’s face it, we live in Los Angeles, home of the designer $32 Kobe beef burger, there’s no such thing as petty cash in this town. Even if you are the breadwinner in a relationship, a personal line of credit extended from your checking account to your man is not a great idea. In fact, ESPECIALLY when you are the breadwinner in the relationship, loaning your man money is not a great idea. I’m not saying that we (women) should not support our significant others in a time of need. What I am saying is that it’s tricky.
Now, there’s nothing I love more than contributing in a relationship. If I have the means to contribute and make a good vacation GREAT, then damn it I want a personal concierge, a beach view and bottomless dirty martinis throughout my stay. There’s NOTHING wrong with putting your finances together to purchase something awesome whether it be a great vacation or a great single family home. There’s NOTHING wrong with buying your man a nice and/or expensive birthday present. Financial collaboration between two people who have it like that is sexy. However, the moment you start reaching into your pockets to help support a boyfriend out of necessity, you might as well start tossing out your sex drive like spare change.
The difference is this: When we have a man in our life who spoils us and provides without being asked to, we naturally want to reciprocate and let him know that he’s appreciated. BUT, when we have a man in our life that is struggling and HIS finances become a drain on YOUR finances, we begin to raise a Kardashian eyebrow. After all, if a man can’t provide for himself how will he be able to handle the rest of the grown up things in life?
Truthfully it’s not even about the loan. It’s about the notion that you have now become the man in the relationship. You now have power that you didn’t ask for in lieu of the security that most women crave. Plus, when your inner loan shark begins to emerge and you see him buying Play Station games instead of making good on his debt, you start to realize that you’ve just adopted a grown man.
How I Ended Up With The Dinner Bill: A Cautionary Tale…
I blame the waiter, how craftily he laid the check in its leather bound cover directly down the center of the table. Even the slightest slant to the north and A-hole McCheap-A$$ (unworthy of a real name) would’ve been obligated to grab the check. But NO! The waiter decided to place the dinner bill equidistantly arms length from both of us. The bill sat there like a deserted cast away looking at the sky for a rescue plane. Finally in an effort to break the stalemate I looked down at the bill, then looked at him and with a gracious smile said, “thank you for a lovely dinner.” He smiled back ambiguously and said “no thank you for your lovely company.” Still, no one grabbed the check. I waited for the other shoe to drop. The waiter had been by the table at least two times and I could see A-hole McCheap A$$ calculating his way out of payment.
Finally I excused myself to the ladies room, the end all/be all grand gesture in the dinner bill showdown. I walked it off super cool, even though all I could think about was how that bill better be paid after I peed and refreshed my eyeliner! I should have known he was going to be trouble when he insisted on picking me up, even more so when he pulled up with rims, blacked out windows, cloth seats and weed sack air freshener (honestly it’s 2011, who still gets rims put on their Honda Accord???). When I returned from the ladies room the bill was right where I’d left it. “I guess we should get to the movie,” I said. AT LAST, he grabbed the bill, opened it and said, “So how did you wanna do this, should we split it?”
Grossed out beyond return, I took the check and threw down my debit card. He reached for his wallet but I stopped him, eyebrow coldly raised I said, “I got it.” Happy as a clam he perked up and said, “Oh cool, I’ll get the movie.” I didn’t get it; the guy seemed reasonably stable when we met at Starbucks a few weeks prior. When he showed up in a slightly oversized linen button down, cargo pants and sandals I thought it was kind of bohemian- cute. Faced with the prospect of having to pay $74.35 plus tip, now he just looked like a damn Johnny Depp pirate (Aaarrrrr). I told him that I forgot that I had a lot of work to catch up on and I needed to head home. He looked perplexed as the residual effects of early end-date syndrome kicked in. When he dropped me off I gave him the good old rejection hug-pat and raced up to my door. He texted me 20 minutes later to make sure I’d gotten in the house safely, chivalry at last, sweet but entirely useless.
So ladies, what lessons do we take away from the tale of A-hole McCheap A$$? When on a first date with a man here are some very simple rules to follow in order to avoid the prospect of having to wash dishes for your chicken pot stickers and ahi tuna crisps:
1. Never go out on a date with a new guy when you’re strapped for cash. The irony is you’ll look like the loser who doesn’t have her ish together when he pulls out the dog-ear pockets.
2. On a first date, always take your own car. This gives you an out and prevents you from possibly being held hostage by your sweet potato fries.
3. Don’t be afraid to say no. If a guy asks you to split and/or pay the bill when HE blatantly asked YOU out, don’t be afraid to correct his etiquette. Chances are you won’t be going out with him again and unfortunately this is the only way A-hole McCheap A$$ will learn his lesson.
Working Girl Swag in LA…
Finding a great job in Los Angeles is a lot like finding a great man. Ideally, you want to land at a great company with a good solid history, some basic benefits and the biggest payoff of all; long-term stability. Should you be lucky enough to find such a man, oops I mean job, you should hold on to it, appreciate it, and invest your time in truly becoming a part of that company’s vision. All too often we hop from job to job to find that perfect balance of great pay and awesome colleagues. When we take the time to research these companies we should be looking a lot deeper than just salary and brand. Sometimes a smaller company, off the beaten path of corporation, can provide a much more rewarding work experience than a major conglomerate brand where you could easily get lost in the machine.
The same theory applies to dating. Sometimes the guy with the shiny car and the assumed big salary proves to be a horrible experience. You may find yourself drowned out by the chick inventory residing in his iPhone or, even worse, an enormous all consuming ego. The less flashy guy, with the nerdiest collection of Star Wars trilogy swag you’ve ever seen, can turn out to be just quirky enough to be oddly refreshing in a montage of man mediocrity.
Regardless of whether you’re looking for a man or a job, one thing that’s for certain is that you will fail to land either if you’re not on your A-Game. Quiet as it’s kept most employers want the best candidates who are savvy enough to stay on top of their appearance. Even the most qualified candidates fall victim to the clunky black loafer, a fashion no-no in the corporate world of sexy pencil skirts and Prada pumps. After all, getting in the door is 90 percent of the hustle; the other 10 percent resides in your ability to prove that you’re sharp enough to hold some staying power. A job interview is a first date, except with a company instead of a man. Looks, conversation, listening skills, engaging gestures that let the speaker know that they are not only being heard but that their words are actually landing somewhere on your brain are all qualities that you must exhibit if you’re going seal the deal on the man of your dreams, oops I mean job of your dreams!
So remember, always look your best, let your appearance evolve with the times and choose attire that you are comfortable enough to feel empowered in. There’s nothing sexier than a great fitting suit that accentuates your curves, at the same time letting the world know you came to bring “the business.” Head out into the world with confidence and get your LA Working girl swag on!
THE BRANJELINA EFFECT
Missing Person: Former BFF, five-foot-five, brown hair, brown eyes, substantial addiction to low-rise skinny jeans. If found, please let her know that she’s totally gay for blowing off the only person in the world who will listen to her woes should her latest man accessory bail for the girl next door.
Well it finally happened. After all those late night jaunts to the Good Bar, Bar Marmont, Bar Chloe, and Vinoteca, the new Wine bar downtown, your BFF has landed a man. Are you jealous? A little yes but that’s not the reason that you’re so upset. You’re upset because it seems that your friendship had an expiration date this whole time. No nutritional facts, no warnings, no sell by date other than the unspoken understanding that when your wing man finds a new love interest it’s time to throw out the Friday night routine and role solo. Why does this happen you ask? Well, because the reality of momentary, mind-blowing orgasms is much more interesting than the mere prospect of momentary, mind-blowing orgasms.
Now all of your plans, including GIRL’S night out, will inevitably include HIM and you’ll never get to speak candidly until she feels like venting about his latest ambiguous text message. Of course there will be excuses upon excuses when your amigo doesn’t feel like hurting your feelings and flakes on your awesome concert tickets in order to stay in and eat saturated fat take-out while watching Lord of the Ring’s re-runs with her new beau.
Unfortunately this is one of the annoying rites of passage for any friendship. Stay diligent and always incorporate your friend into your plans whether she rsvp’s yes or no. After all, friends don’t let friends lose themselves in relationships. However, when you find that your friend is caught up in couple bliss don’t forget that you too will one day be the girl dipping out of happy hour to hang out with Mr. Right now.
Drunken Hot Mess…
Public Service Announcement: Drunken hot mess stops being cute after age 25. Translation, after 25 it is no longer acceptable to hurl in public or show off your latest VS collection boy shorts via peep show. After age 25 you’re supposed to keep your composure and hug the porcelain Jesus in the privacy of your own home (like the ever-so-sophisticated 30 plus crowd does). However, as with everything else in life, there are outliers. Sometimes the wrong mix of cheap vodka and cream cheese French toast create the perfect storm during a Halloween party and you find yourself huddled in the bathtub of some strangers’ mansion slurring strange references to turkey patty melts from Mel’s Diner (but I digress).
In music videos everyone pops bottles all night long, dancing to hooks that often rhyme with Grey Goose, Patron, and Moet. Therefore, it’s entirely understandable for women (and their male counterparts) to completely lose their ish when they happen to be holding a shot and that one song comes on talking about “blame on it the alcohol.” Not that a song should ever be the catalyst for inebriated tomfoolery, but I do see the logic (and lack thereof). Having said that, below are some guidelines to help gauge when you may be approaching your potential for public embarrassment.
1. The bouncer starts looking cute: Yes he’s tall, buff and in a suit, however, chances are he’s worn that same suit every night to work for the last 7-10 days. He’s sweated in it, spilled after-hours club food on it, and ironed out the wrinkles from last night’s bus ride home. To be on the safe side, disregard anyone wearing all black until you get home.
2. The Guy whose advances you ignored for the last 2 hours starts looking cute: Yes, compliments are wonderful. BUT, when the guy who almost got slapped for landing a cheap feel on your lady lumps starts becoming charming to you, it’s clearly time for an intervention. His breath didn’t get any cleaner, he’s holding the same cup of 7up over ice that he had when you got there and he’s still wearing the fake Fila/Prada sneaks. IT’S TIME TO GO!
3. All of your sentences begin and end in slobber: Even though it is quite an impressive feat to sing the entire Destiny’s Child catalog entirely in spit while doing the Dougie backwards at 3am on a Sunday, some talents are better left unseen. Let the world peel back that layer upon request (please).
Remember! Friends don’t let friends drive drunk, drunk dial, or dance drunk in stilettos. Lastly, if your friend does not want to end the party (and we all have a friend that never wants to end the party), as a last resort, take them to a karaoke bar, where every drunk has their day and promptly passes out after a long-winded Celine Dion bender.
One Day it will all Make Sense…
Romantic epiphanies typically happen on the big screen. We’ve all seen the story, a girl sits on the couch eating a bowl of cereal, watching TV, pondering life, and then a commercial comes on. Suddenly she realizes that the man of her dreams has been delivering her mail for the last two years. How perfect, the man who has been consistent through rain, sleet, and snow is actually “The One.” What’s even better is that she never knew he felt the same way. Yeah, it totally happens like that in real life (NOT)!!! It has probably never, in the history of dating, happened like that. So maybe you don’t get the sign from above, the voice from within or the magical commercial on TV but one day something beyond the realm of basic understanding does click. One day you will realize that the cool, elusive, emotionally unavailable guy that you’ve planned your entire fantasy future with is NOT “The One.” All of a sudden your expectations shift and these characteristics are no longer attractive to you. The universe aligns and you understand why all the “nice guys” are MARRIED and all the A-holes are driving nice cars or trying desperately to buy one.
The moment you decide to start taking yourself seriously and begin placing real-time deadlines on the acquisition of the things you hold most dear (be it marriage, kids, or career) is the moment you begin to see what a time suck the wrong guy actually is. All the time and energy spent waiting for Mr. Wrong to morph into Mr. Perfect coupled with the “learning experience” of the imminent collapse of such relationships could be better spent on much more productive activities such as washing your hair, or stockpiling emergency earthquake items. What I’m saying is, time spent doing absolutely anything else would be more productive than dating the wrong guy. Luckily the universe doesn’t typically hold bad dating decisions against you. Luckily you can make oodles of noodle head dating decisions in your twenties so that once your thirties approach you already mean business, the business of serious inquiries only.
I know this concept seems like a bit of a ruse but trust and believe that your first instinct is 99.8% correct. If there’s a void of trust or in your understanding of how someone feels about you, be accountable for the fact that you’ve always known and somehow settled for this behavior (whether on purpose or by accident). Approach your future relationships as you would a business deal. Look at the presentation, read through the background and figure out if it’s best to move forward. Make a 2-5 year plan of where you see your life going romantically and revisit that plan often, after all it is YOUR plan. Don’t leave everything to chance and horoscopes. Be present and the rest will start to fall into place.
A Lady Never Tells: But a Groupie Just Might…
Once in while, LAG feels the need to make a public service announcement. So, today’s topic boys and girls is “The LA Groupie.” If the LA dating scene is known for nothing else, it should be known for its plethora of beautiful gold-diggers, also known as “groupies.” What people fail to realize about LA groupies is the magnitude to which they exist, so much so, that an entire subculture of young women groomed for groupiedom has emerged. There are TV shows, books, dating sites, and clothing stores that actually cater to the LA groupie. Heck, even entire families have publically embraced and exploited the groupie subculture, thus creating the very controversial “groupie nepotism.” You’ve seen them! They’re the ones dressed for the nightclub at basketball games, the ones standing in the front of every line at every club with a celebrity headliner, they seem to know everyone from the promoter to the bouncer to the bartender on a first name basis.
Now, Wikipedia defines the groupie as “A person who seeks emotional and sexual intimacy with some form of CELEBRITY. “Groupie” was derived from the word group, in reference to a musical group, given that the groupie phenomenon emerged from popular music groups of the 50’s and 60’s. However, the contemporary groupie is about seeking financial security and notoriety for her celebrity conquests. Today’s groupie isn’t about the mere rush and excitement of sleeping with a celeb, oh no, she means business. And, why not? Being a groupie is BIG BUSINESS!! We’ve all heard the tall tale of the video vixen turned millionaire for merely publishing the names and details of everyone she gave an “oral exam” to, industry wide. And, certainly you’re no stranger to the Celebrity-Wife reality shows where almost none of the women are actually “wives.” Don’t hate, they’re still getting a check, seemingly out of thin air at that. Granted, these women usually only get 5 minutes of fame (1/3 of the 15 minutes that real celebs get) but it does offer the smart ones a chance at some real opportunities for monetization. Sadly, few take advantage of such opportunities because few are actually smart enough to do so. You see, what drives a groupie isn’t her educated business savvy as much as her savvy for played out monogram bags and red bottom shoes that she only hears about and sees in music videos (I digress).
Now, given that LA is host to so many different types of celebrities, (movie stars, rock stars, rap stars, basketball players, football players, producers, directors, reality show stars, etc., etc.) you can only imagine the various strains of groupie that follow. Some of them may even be lurking amongst your own social circles, right under your nose. To that end, I’ve created an efficient and classifiable way to identify the LA groupie. NOTE: there are several hybrids of the categories outlined below but I felt it necessary to start with the basics, the canonical staples if you will, of the Groupie kingdom.
First off we have the “Veteran Groupie”: The Veteran groupie is the saddest groupie of them all, primarily because she is old and no one told her that her days were numbered 5 years prior. She’s at the club regularly, usually with a crew 7-10 years younger so that she can blend in appropriately. The veteran groupie has a fierce body. In fact, one only knows that she is of a more mature age when they get above her neckline. There you’ll find the over-compensated make-up that only a cougar or a clown could appreciate. However, the Veteran Groupie does pave the way for the Green Groupie (refer to the description below) also known as “Baby Groupies.” For what is a student without its teacher?
Next, we have the “Green Groupie”: Contrary to her title, the Green Groupie is not about world conservation and recycling. The Green Groupie is fertile ground, impressed by anyone on TV whether they’re in a commercial or a full feature film. The Green Groupie’s innocence is her biggest draw. Regular guys like her because they can introduce her to their friends. She technically still has girlfriend potential given that she is relatively undiscovered. Celebrity guys like her because their celebrity friends have yet to add her to their celebrity to-do list. Either way, she’s kinda doomed from the start.
Lastly, we have the “Groupie By Association”: The Groupie By Association hangs out with groupies from time to time but only long enough to be able to disengage from any rumors that could peg her as a groupie. Make no mistake! If it walks like a duck, puts on heels like a duck, and finds herself at Jamie Foxx’s house at 2am like a duck. It’s A DUCK!!! The Groupie by Association is my personal favorite because she’s clever enough to keep a day job and often vacillates between the average guy and the 2nd tier celebrity entourage guy. Either way she’s not winning, yet she presses on…
Honestly, I’m not clowning; I don’t knock anyone’s hustle. Seriously, we’ve all got a little groupie in us, gotten excited when our favorite singer or actor hit the stage. For example, one might say that I’m a Barack Obama groupie, a Cornell West groupie, or a Michael Eric Dyson groupie versus a Lil Wayne groupie, a Kanye West groupie or a Kobe Bryant groupie. Is there a distinction to be made? Maybe not, but I’ll leave it at that…
Friend Politics 101 – Rule No 2:
Sometimes One Monkey DOES Stop the Show…
Los Angeles socialites are big proponents of convenient nightlife. That is, we frequent venues that are within an assumed non-DUI driving distance where the doorman is familiar enough with your face so as not to have you waiting in line all night. However, once in a while (or once every 3-4 months) we decide to break from our local watering hole routines and follow a very specific migratory pattern (via road trip, or 1-hour plane ride on Southwest). For over the bridge and through the woods lies a magical kingdom, an enchanted forest of drinking, dancing, flirting and whatever else you can squeeze into a 48-hour window of time. Yes ladies, in case you haven’t figured it out I’m talking about VEGAS!!!! Ahhh the joys of Las Vegas… you either love it for its non-stop, high voltage, billboard party life, and cigarette smoke filled casinos or you hate it for its non-stop, high voltage, billboard party life, and cigarette smoke filled casinos.
Upon arrival it is customary to throw caution to the wind and go with the flow (especially if you’re with a group of 3 or more people). However, going with the flow also pertains to “cash flow.” Meaning, if you’re not financially in the right place to take a trip it’s probably better to stay at home, do some laundry, and figure out a game plan so as not to be left out of the next trip’s festivities. Now, this is not to say that a person of modest means can’t enjoy themselves, you don’t need to be a “Baller” to have the ultimate Vegas experience. Plenty of folks drive up to Vegas on the “Baller on a Budget” $300 dollar vacation fund ($100 for your portion of the hotel for 2 nights, $25 on the gas tank, $25 on the magnum bottle of Grey Goose for the room and the other $150 for food, entry fees, etc.). Now that we’ve covered some of the cost effective ways to “do” Vegas, can someone please explain to me how it is that one determines that they will not be paying the $20 entry fee to get into the club only after they’ve bypassed all boot camp style obstacles of the velvet rope? I mean, isn’t this an executive decision that one makes in their head well before stepping out?
For example, it’s Fourth of July Weekend in Vegas, you and your friends decide to party at Jet Nightclub in the Mirage hotel. After chopping it up with the promoter, who you met on Twitter, the seas part and all of your friends are escorted through a crowd of jealous girls saving you an hour and a half wait. You reach the front door of Jet with the understanding that everyone still has to pay the $20 cover because of the holiday weekend. Knowing this beforehand, everyone is in agreement that Jet is the spot for the evening. Fully decked in your most bedazzled Vegas mini dresses, you and your girls are ready to pay the $20 and have an awesome time and an awesome hangover.
Three of you whip out your clutch bags, $20 dollar bills wrapped tightly around your California ID’s. Faintly in the background, Queen Victoria (friend #4) starts complaining about having to pay and how she NEVER has to pay in LA and how she doesn’t even go out if she has to wait in line. Her complaining turns into pouting, her pouting turns to blatant refusal and there you are, faced with the prospect of having to leave one man out. Let the rationalizing begin! You don’t really know the girl, she’s a friend of a friend brought along only by default so as to cushion the costs of the Double Queen Suite you booked at the Hard Rock HRH Tower. Fully prepared to leave her to her own devices, you pretend not to notice the mini conference that she’s holding with the other two girls. As soon as you extend your cash and ID to the guard, your BFF taps you on the shoulder to inform you that friend no: 4 has no cash to get in. Your first instinct is to grab your BFF and head for the entry. Of course, the inevitable domino effect, she feels bad for friend #3 who will be stuck with friend #4 at the Golden Nugget Bar and Grill fending off local degenerate gamblers. A rain cloud of disappointment appears as you’ve come so far only to have to turn around and do the walk of shame back down the red carpet. You feel retarded, like the static rewind button on a VHS tape, because SOMEONE decided that it wasn’t “worth it” to spend the necessary entry fee to party like a wannabe rock star. Of course there are always other spots to go to in Vegas but everyone knows that the spot you didn’t get into is the spot that everyone will be talking about the next day…Womp…Womp!
In LA, every woman revels in the glorious victory of the FREE DRINK. The free drink is social-scene Darwinism at its finest, the ultimate badge of honor for “Survival of the Prettiest.” The free drink not only validates a woman’s efforts in hair, clothing, and make-up selection, it also sets her apart from the less fortunate souls who did not make it past the process of natural selection (mean girl smirk). While the ritual of the free drink may seem a bit trifling to some, unarguably no better feeling exists than that of the accomplishment derived from public displays of infatuation by a complete stranger. To put it plainly, the free drink makes you feel like the SH*&!!! As you mix it up with your pretend 5-minute boyfriend, for that brief moment in time, you are the bar Prom Queen. However, there are rules to this ish. The free drink does come with a healthy dose of fine print; a print so fine that it seemingly only exists in theory. It would be awesome if we could get SOME form of heads up like…”Tonight on Eyewitness News: We bring you the breaking story of the 1-drink Stalker on the loose. He’s been spotted in local LA bars and clubs hanging around dark corners with 2 free drink tickets and a GPS tracking device. Don’t be fooled by his generosity and harmless conversation! For once you’ve accepted the complimentary Grey Goose N Red Bull Martini, he will self magnetize to the bottom of your glass playing interference to all of your normal guy prospects for the rest of the evening.”
Of course, no such warning signs exist. Shortly after your two best girlfriends find male distractions and disappear into their respective conversations, the 1-Drink stalker is plotting his descent when you’re at the bar alone, at your most vulnerable. Just as you manage to get the waiters attention a mediocre looking man will approach and pay for your drink. Mildly impressed, you’ll entertain some conversation. Five minutes in and you’ll know you aren’t interested but you’ll extend the full courtesy 15 minutes before ditching him to do your final walk around in the bar. As you ease your way off the bar stool you’ll see him grab his drink off the bar in an attempt to escort you to your intended destination. You figure you’ll take the easy way out and hit the ladies room. Hopefully you’ll see one of your girlfriends so you can pretend to be in one of the deepest conversations of your life thus bypassing the 1-Drink stalker. To no avail, he’ll be standing right at the base of the ladies room exit (argggghhhh)!!!
What contemporary science has concluded is that there is no sure-fire way to politely extract one’s self from the clutches of the 1-Drink stalker (outside of leaving the venue all together). Fake numbers, one-word answers, the look of absolute disinterest simply won’t cut it. Thus, much like the Christian based slogan for abstinence, The Best Drink is No Drink if you want to avoid the lurking annoyances of the 1-Drink stalker.
The Fizzle, The Spark, The Connection….
Cute guy, moderately expensive dinner, awesome conversation….a week goes by…. nothing. Just a serendipitous meeting of two people, of whom, neither is actually convinced of genuine chemistry. I mean, at the end of the night could you see yourself crawling up his pant legs, unfastening his Levi’s and feasting on his body? That’s really the golden apple question. If not, the fizzle is surely upon the horizon.
The fizzle: a mutual disinterest in the exertion of further efforts to facilitate the second date, an unwillingness to move forward in the dating game. The fizzle is interesting because its unspoken mutuality is almost always felt on both parts, OBVIOUSLY, otherwise it would move forward. You see, even if only one person is unsure, the other person will, at the very least, lend themselves to another experience (if only just to validate their assumptions or play out their intentions). But, it just so happens that the fizzle can only occur when both people are disinterested. Of course, this is all in good fun which is why the fizzle is strangely unoffensive.
It’s as if the universe swallows a person whole, to the point whereby the sight of their number draws a blank hole in your phone with absolutely zero emotional attachment. What’s awkward is when one of you accidentally calls the other, like “damn I meant to call James not Jason.” Then Jason calls back and says “Did someone call Jason?” And in your mind you’re like “no retard I meant to call James,” then he’s like, “well who is this?” Of course the logical thing to do at this point is create some fake name and hang up as quickly as possible. But, you aren’t quite sure if he asked because he genuinely doesn’t’ know who you are or simply because he’s systematically humiliating you via cell phone to stroke his own ego for two minutes. Wouldn’t it be easier to say, “It’s me, the girl you went to dinner with 3 months ago and I accidentally called you instead of my friend Jason….that’s all.” But who actually believes that? Everyone inevitably reads sooooo much more into it than that. Sighhh..…exhausted, yes, and, that’s just the fizzle…