A Lady Never Tells:  But a Groupie Just Might…

By:  L.Lynn

Once in while, LAG feels the need to make a public service announcement.  So, today’s topic boys and girls is “The LA Groupie.”  If the LA dating scene is known for nothing else, it should be known for its plethora of beautiful gold-diggers, also known as “groupies.”  What people fail to realize about LA groupies is the magnitude to which they exist, so much so, that an entire subculture of young women groomed for groupiedom has emerged. There are TV shows, books, dating sites, and clothing stores that actually cater to the LA groupie.  Heck, even entire families have publically embraced and exploited the groupie subculture, thus creating the very controversial “groupie nepotism.”  You’ve seen them! They’re the ones dressed for the nightclub at basketball games, the ones standing in the front of every line at every club with a celebrity headliner, they seem to know everyone from the promoter to the bouncer to the bartender on a first name basis.

Now, Wikipedia defines the groupie as “A person who seeks emotional and sexual intimacy with some form of CELEBRITY.  “Groupie” was derived from the word group, in reference to a musical group, given that the groupie phenomenon emerged from popular music groups of the 50’s and 60’s.  However, the contemporary groupie is about seeking financial security and notoriety for her celebrity conquests.  Today’s groupie isn’t about the mere rush and excitement of sleeping with a celeb, oh no, she means business.  And, why not?  Being a groupie is BIG BUSINESS!!  We’ve all heard the tall tale of the video vixen turned millionaire for merely publishing the names and details of everyone she gave an “oral exam” to, industry wide.  And, certainly you’re no stranger to the Celebrity-Wife reality shows where almost none of the women are actually “wives.”  Don’t hate, they’re still getting a check, seemingly out of thin air at that.  Granted, these women usually only get 5 minutes of fame (1/3 of the 15 minutes that real celebs get) but it does offer the smart ones a chance at some real opportunities for monetization.  Sadly, few take advantage of such opportunities because few are actually smart enough to do so.  You see, what drives a groupie isn’t her educated business savvy as much as her savvy for played out monogram bags and red bottom shoes that she only hears about and sees in music videos (I digress).

Now, given that LA is host to so many different types of celebrities, (movie stars, rock stars, rap stars, basketball players, football players, producers, directors, reality show stars, etc., etc.) you can only imagine the various strains of groupie that follow.  Some of them may even be lurking amongst your own social circles, right under your nose.   To that end, I’ve created an efficient and classifiable way to identify the LA groupie. NOTE:  there are several hybrids of the categories outlined below but I felt it necessary to start with the basics, the canonical staples if you will, of the Groupie kingdom.

First off we have the “Veteran Groupie”:  The Veteran groupie is the saddest groupie of them all, primarily because she is old and no one told her that her days were numbered 5 years prior.  She’s at the club regularly, usually with a crew 7-10 years younger so that she can blend in appropriately.  The veteran groupie has a fierce body.  In fact, one only knows that she is of a more mature age when they get above her neckline.  There you’ll find the over-compensated make-up that only a cougar or a clown could appreciate.  However, the Veteran Groupie does pave the way for the Green Groupie (refer to the description below) also known as “Baby Groupies.”  For what is a student without its teacher?

Next, we have the “Green Groupie”:  Contrary to her title, the Green Groupie is not about world conservation and recycling.  The Green Groupie is fertile ground, impressed by anyone on TV whether they’re in a commercial or a full feature film.  The Green Groupie’s innocence is her biggest draw.  Regular guys like her because they can introduce her to their friends.  She technically still has girlfriend potential given that she is relatively undiscovered.  Celebrity guys like her because their celebrity friends have yet to add her to their celebrity to-do list.  Either way, she’s kinda doomed from the start.

Lastly, we have the “Groupie By Association”:  The Groupie By Association hangs out with groupies from time to time but only long enough to be able to disengage from any rumors that could peg her as a groupie.  Make no mistake!  If it walks like a duck, puts on heels like a duck, and finds herself at Jamie Foxx’s house at 2am like a duck.  It’s A DUCK!!!  The Groupie by Association is my personal favorite because she’s clever enough to keep a day job and often vacillates between the average guy and the 2^nd tier celebrity entourage guy.  Either way she’s not winning, yet she presses on…

Honestly, I’m not clowning; I don’t knock anyone’s hustle.  Seriously, we’ve all got a little groupie in us, gotten excited when our favorite singer or actor hit the stage.   For example, one might say that I’m a Barack Obama groupie, a Cornell West groupie, or a Michael Eric Dyson groupie versus a Lil Wayne groupie, a Kanye West groupie or a Kobe Bryant groupie.  Is there a distinction to be made?  Maybe not, but I’ll leave it at that…